Elixir
by Rachel MacPherson
Summary: Inuyasha, Shippo, Miroku, Kaede, and Mushin all accidentally drank the elixir to immortality, and travel around the world though various historical events, of which, includes the invasion of Korea, though the declining Ming Empire, to Europe and America.


Elixir

I-Alchemist

A cart speed though the moonless lea, the draught-horse frantically running as if the very hounds of hell were chasing it.

'Come back you son of a bitch! You goddamn adultering piece of shit! Come back here so I can cut off you fucking balls and feed it to the swine, you fucker!'

It's a worthy war cry for the distressed Amazonian, who was trailing the cart with the aid of a flying feline beast, swords at her side and a large boomerang strapped upon her back. A passenger of the cart, looking to be some 20 or 25 years, look upon the female, who was one of the finest specimen of the fair sex he had seen to date, and implored her as eloquently as he could to cease her madness, hoping his charms would soothe her anger, but in vain. No amount of begging, no matter how eloquent, how charming, and poetic, can calm the raging beast chasing them, as 'Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned', and, if anything, serve to increase her choler.

'Hiraikotsu!' the Boomerang that was strapped upon her back, flew toward the cart, missing the cart only by an inch or two, embedding itself halfway into the ground. The man once again pleaded, 'Sango dearest, you nearly killed us, and surely you don't want to hurt poor Inuyasha, old Kaede, or Little Shippo here, would you?'

'Fuck you! That won't work on me, you asshole!'

'But Sango dearest, how have I wronged you so?'

'You know damn well what you did, you fucker! Fuck cutting off your balls, I'll rip it off with my bare hands!'

'Such foul words should not grace your beautiful lip, my love.'

'"My love"? I am your love? Isn't that what you call all the other ladies when you grope them? Come back here, and I'll show you "love" you goddamn piece of shit bastard!'

'Oi, Miroku, where the hell are we going?' It was the driver, a youth appearing to be somewhere in his mid to late teenage years, that is to say, 15-19, his face positioned in such a way that three quarter of his face was visible to the man, who was hereunto arguing with his wife, indicating that he was addressing him, as was the child perched upon his shoulders.

'Go to Master Mushin's temple, and stay there for until S. cools down, you do know where that is, Inuyasha, don't you?'

'Feh, 'course I do.' Inuyasha replied, his head reverting to its former position of looking upon the path ahead.

'Why do the rest of us have to come too?' the child asked.

'What do you mean?'

'Well, you going off and chasing other women is a problem between you and Sango, so why do we have to go to?'

It was the last passenger's turn to speak, an elderly and wizen sage of some 60 years, with countenance shows no remarkable features save a single eye-patch covering her right eye. 'Child, Sango is being very destructive right now and she will destroy anything she can get her hands on, and that's why the whole village evacuated.'

'But I'm a Youkai, I can take her on.' The lad said, standing upon the shoulder of Inuyasha filled with juvenile faux-bravado.

'And she's a Yokai slayer, runt. The only thing you can do is sit there, look cute, and hope that you warmed her heart enough not to kill you.' Inuyasha injected.

'Maybe you should try that, Shippo maybe she will calm down.' Miroku added.

'Or shed you to little pieces, which, more likely then not, will happen.'

'But the whole "Hey Look, I'm Cute" thing worked on Kagome.'

'But Sango isn't Kagome, is she?'

'Isn't it worth a try?'

'No.'

'Let the lad decide, Shippo what do you want? I have the last of Kagome's candies.'

'Ain't meaning he's gonna give it to you.'

All attention fell upon Shippo He put his finger upon his chin, and inclined his head upward, creating an image so endearing, it would've melted even the hardest and coldest of hearts, an image that would've been other wised described as 'heart-warmingly cute', amidst the (fading) cries of 'Come back here, fucker', 'I'm going to cut off your balls', and 'I'll make sure you die a excruciatingly painful death.' The lad finally came to a decision, 'Nope, I really don't fancy the idea of having my penis removed before I can use them.'

'Look what you did, Miroku!' Inuyasha yelled, 'Look at how you corrupted him!'

'I did no such thing.'

'You're making him into a little Pervert, you goddamn Lecher!'

'What made you think that?'

'How else does he know about "that"?'

'By "that", you mean "sex", right?' Shippo injected.

'See, you corrupted him, you bastard!' Inuyasha yelled, horrified.

'What's wrong with that?'

Inuyasha looked upon his companion incredulously, 'Kids his age aren't suppose to know about that kind of stuff.'

'Inuyasha just being pissy because he's still a virgin.' Shippo once more injected.

Aghast, Inuyasha immediately imparted upon our dear little Shippo a good bop on the head, rendering him unconscious, and hopefully knocking him away from that path. His attention once more fell upon Miroku, 'Look at how much you corrupted him with your lecherous ways!'

'He does have a point.'

'And what the fuck may that be, pray tell?'

'If you got laid, you wouldn't be so angry all the time.'

'Just shut the fuck up.'

After half an hour, they finally manage to out run the Sango, (though at great expense to the poor draught-horse, who looked ready to finally drop dead from exhaustion as any moment) during which, an eerie and uncomfortable silence overtook this merry band, which I. finally manage to relieve, in his ever so eloquent way, 'This is all your fault, you fucktard, you know that right?'

Miroku merely nodded.

'Why must you chase women around, especially _in front_ of Sango?'

'It's not my fault, my hand's…'

'Cursed,' Inuyasha, Kaede, and the now fully conscious Shippo said in unison, 'we know.'

Silence benighted them once more.

Shippo, at that particular moment, decided to sing,

'An old man came courting me, hey ding-doorum down  
An old man came courting me, me being young  
An old man came courting me, fain he would marry me  
Maids when you're young never wed an old man

Because he's got no faloorum, faliddle aye oorum  
He's got no faloorum, faliddle aye ay  
He's got no faloorum, he's lost his ding-doorum  
So maids when you're young never wed an old man'

'Ship. stop that.' Inuyasha growled

'When we went to church, hey ding-doorum down  
When we went to church, me being young  
When we went to church, he left me in the lurch  
Maids when you're young never wed an old man

Because he's got no faloorum, faliddle aye oorum  
He's got no faloorum, faliddle aye ay  
He's got no faloorum, he's lost his ding-doorum  
So maids when you're young never wed an old man

When we went to bed, hey ding-doorum down  
When we went to bed, me being young  
When we went to bed, he lay like he was dead  
Maids when you're young never wed an old man'

'Shippo, it's fucking irritating.' Inuyasha yelled.

'Because he's got no faloorum, faliddle aye oorum  
He's got no faloorum, faliddle aye ay  
He's got no faloorum, he's lost his ding-doorum  
So maids when you're young never wed an old man

When he went to sleep, hey ding-doorum down  
When he went to sleep, me being young  
When he went to sleep, out of bed I did creep  
Into the arms of a handsome young man

And I found his faloorum, faliddle aye oorum  
I found his faloorum, faliddle aye ay  
I found his faloorum, he's got my ding-doorum

…'

(You may find this song, 'Maids, when you're young, never wed an old man', on youtube if you are curious as to what the tune is.)

Inuyasha, once more, knocked him unconscious, his incapacitated body falling off his shoulders, and onto the hard, wooden floor of the cart.

Another half an hour passed in silence. Miroku saw it fitting to offer his tuppence worth, 'Inuyasha, you've been acting like an arse ever since Kagome left. I can understand if it only been a few months ago, but she's gone for over a year.'

Of course, Inuyasha really didn't care for Miroku's tuppence worth, and told Miroku to 'piss off', immediately returning the silence.

Upon the temple, the horse drew nigh, and, Inuyasha speed the horse, who was at this point in no position to oblige to Inuyasha's command, giving the good horse a good blow to the head to indicate its punishment if it fails to comply. Understanding its driver's intent, the beast rush with all the speed it could muster from its tired and battered body, at last reaching the temple before collapsing in total exhaustion just outside the main gate. Getting off the cart, and carrying the now semi-conscience Shippo, they entered the temple halls, the odour of…something permeated though the air. A scent that is neither foul nor fair, that is neither repulsive nor pleasing, it smells of something.

After searching every room for nearly an hour, they finally found Mushin, pissed and asleep, and the source of the smell, a boiling kettle. Miroku gave him a him a good hard kick to his side, immediately waking up Mushin from his alcohol induced slumber.

'Ahh, what? Ho, is that you Shizo, I told you I'll pay you back next week. And who are you fair maiden? Is the man in the red your husband, lucky man, he is, and you have a kid, I see.'

'No, its me, Miroku, and this is Inuyasha and Shippo, whom I've already introduced to you, and this is Kaede, the head priestess of the village that I currently reside in.'

'Oh, I didn't recognise you.'

'Of course you didn't, you're still drunk. And I take it you don't remember what's in the kettle either.'

'What…Oh, help me put out the fire will you?'

With the fire gone, Mushin decided to pour out the content and serve it to the guest, all of whom seem hesitant to drink it.

'What's the matter?' Mushin asked, drinking his cup.

'What exactly is this shit?' Inuyasha asked.

'I don't know, it may be sake, tea, or the Nanban's wine, but, if it's poison, then I would be dead right now.'

With hesitation still, each one began to drink it, more to please the host then to quench their thirst.

They spend the first five minute in the same uneasy silence that pervaded for the greater part of their journey in the cart, when, at last Mushin spoke, 'Miroku, you know you're like a son to me, right?'

'Yes'

'And that I raised you, fed you, educated you, and even sown up the Wind tunnel, right?'

'Yes.'

'And that good sons are suppose to take care of their parents whence they grow old so...Why don't you ever visit me? Ever since you and your friends, including that hoyden in the green skirt, defeated Naraku, you haven't visited me once, you didn't even invite me to your wedding. I'll teach you a lesson you won't forget you ingratful cur!' And with that, Mushin lunge forward and started attacking like mad.

'Um…you know you're attacking Inuyasha, right?' Miroku asked, staring as Inuyasha attempt to defend himself against the assault made by Mushin.

'Stay out of this Shizo!'

'Mushin, you're still drunk.'

'And you're still ugly.'

'Only because you're still drunk.'

'Why the fuck does this taste like shit?'

They all turned their head, surprised to see that it was Little Shippo who asked this question.

'Look how you corrupted him, Inuyasha.'

'How the fuck do you fucking know it was me, Miroku?'

'You're the one you use such inappropriate language in front of him everyday.'

'And you're the one to discuss such inappropriate materials in front of him everyday.'

'Silence! Shippo right, although I do not approve of the language by which he expressed it, this does taste awful, and Mushin does need to explain to us why.' Kaede yelled, stopping and silencing all the bickering at once.

Mushin sat quietly, as the whole group waited for his answer. 'Don't know. Madam, will you marry me?'

'Please escort us to our rooms sir, I believe we are all very tired from our journey.' Kaede answered, her face remaining impassive.

'Oh right, um…Miroku can you take the other guy and the kid to your old room, you know, the one you use to live in as a lad, and, you, my beauty, follow me to our room.'

And thus they dispersed, each going to their respective room, the old monk staggering and flirting with the old priestess, and the two men arguing over who has corrupted the young and innocent mind of Shippo most.


End file.
